We Can’t Control Others, But We Can Control Our Energy

We all try to control other people.

And it’s not our fault.
We’re wired to want control - it's a natural instinct. We crave certainty and predictability, especially when life feels uncertain. From an early age, we’re taught that if we can manage everything around us, we can stay safe and avoid discomfort. So, it's no surprise we try to influence others to meet our expectations.

But we can’t control other people.

For years, I believed that if I could just influence people in the right way, everything would run smoothly.

Instead, I felt exhausted and disconnected.

Over time, though, through my own work with a coach, as well as meditation and journaling, I started to develop self-awareness. It’s in these practices where I can observe my thoughts from a distance, rather than reacting in fight-or-flight mode. I can see those old patterns more clearly. Now, when the need to control creeps in, I notice it. I pause.

And in that space, I remind myself: It’s just my mind asking for certainty, safety, and love.

So, while I still feel the pull to control, I focus instead on what I can influence - and that’s the energy I bring to every interaction.

5 Lessons I’ve Learned About Letting Go of Control

1. The Illusion of Control
   Trying to control others leads to frustration and strained relationships. Recognising that control is an illusion is the first step to creating meaningful connections with others.

2. Focus on Yourself
   Instead of fixing others, shift inward. Pay attention to your own reactions and patterns. Awareness is powerful because it helps you respond rather than react.

3. Choose Your Energy
   Energy is contagious. When you approach interactions with positivity, kindness, or calm, you create the space for others to meet you there.

4. Set Boundaries, Not Rules
   You can’t control people, but you can control the boundaries you set. Healthy boundaries protect your energy and make space for authentic relationships.

5. Practice Mindfulness
   Staying present helps you notice when the need to control creeps in. One simple practice I recommend is journaling your thoughts for just 5 minutes each night for a week. Increase it by a minute each week, and you'll start to see some great insights. It’s a powerful exercise in pausing - a discipline we all need in this busy world. This pause can help you choose a different response, one that’s grounded in awareness rather than reaction.

What This Has Taught Me
The need to control isn’t something to fight against or feel ashamed of. It’s a clue - a sign that my mind is searching for safety, love, or certainty. The work isn’t about being perfect; it’s about noticing the pattern sooner and choosing differently. Some days I get it right, and other days I don’t. But I’m kinder to myself now, knowing that change takes time and that it’s not my fault.

And in those moments when I let go of control and focus on the energy I’m bringing, something shifts. The frustration eases, the connection deepens, and I remember - I don’t need to have all the answers nor should I expect others to.

What About You?

• Where in your life are you feeling the pull to control?

• How might you shift your focus inward instead?

• What energy do you want to bring to your next interaction?

Take a moment to reflect. The answers might surprise you.

Photo by Prophsee Journals on Unsplash