Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional
A simple yet meaningful statement often attributed to Buddha. It’s a reminder that pain is part of life, but how we handle it is up to us.
We all experience pain in some form. Whether it’s the sting of disappointment, the weight of loss, or the uncertainty that comes with change, pain is a constant. It’s a part of life. However, suffering - the emotional and mental weight we often attach to pain - is where we have a choice. And that choice is incredibly important.
Understanding Pain vs. Suffering
For a long time, I thought pain and suffering were the same thing. I assumed that when something difficult happened, the pain was inevitable, and the suffering that followed was simply part of the experience.
But I’ve since come to realise that while pain is a part of life, suffering doesn’t have to follow. The suffering we experience often comes from how we react to pain - it's the additional load we carry through our thoughts and emotions
When something painful happens, we have a choice in how we interpret and react to it. For instance, when we face disappointment, we can choose to see it as an opportunity for growth or as a signal of failure. The meaning we give to pain influences how we move through it. So, while we can’t always avoid the pain, we do have some control over whether we let it turn into suffering.
How We Respond to Pain
One of the biggest shifts I’ve experienced is realising that my response to pain is where the power lies. It’s easy to get caught up in stories we tell ourselves, especially when we’re in pain. We might think things like, “Why does this always happen to me?” or “I’m not good enough.” These thoughts only reinforce the pain, adding layers of suffering that don’t need to be there.
Instead of letting these thoughts consume us, we can choose to ask different questions. Not in a way that dismisses the pain or pretends everything is fine, but in a way that helps us move forward.
For example, instead of asking, "Why is this happening to me?" we might ask, "What can I learn from this?" It’s a small shift, but it helps move us from a place of victimhood to one of empowerment and resilience.
Building Resilience
Resilience isn’t about avoiding pain. It’s about learning how to sit with it, process it, and move through it with less resistance. It's not about pretending things are fine when they’re not. It’s about acknowledging the discomfort and finding ways to lessen the weight we carry.
Here are a few things that have helped me along the way - although it’s important to note that what works will differ from person to person. These aren’t “solutions” but simply tools that may be useful:
Mindfulness: Being present in the moment helps create space between ourselves and our thoughts. When I’m in pain, sometimes just focusing on my breath can provide a moment of relief. It doesn’t fix everything, but it helps.
Connection: Speaking with people who listen, who don’t try to fix things immediately, can ease the emotional weight. Sometimes, simply being heard and understood can make a world of difference.
Boundaries: Learning to protect my energy and limit what I allow to drain me has been crucial. We don’t need to give every painful thought or situation our full attention. Setting boundaries helps create space for healing.
Movement: Physical activity, even something as simple as stretching or walking, helps get me out of my head and into my body. It doesn’t solve everything, but it can offer a break from the mental anguish that often accompanies pain.
Looking at Pain Differently
It’s important to note that none of these things make the pain disappear. Pain is part of life, and avoiding it or pretending it doesn’t exist only makes it worse. But what we can do is change our relationship with it. We can choose to let the pain pass through us without getting bogged down by it.
When we begin to understand that suffering is optional - that it comes from the stories we tell ourselves - we can approach pain differently. Instead of resisting it, we can allow it to be part of the experience, knowing that it doesn’t have to define us.
A Final Thought
The truth is, I’m still working through this. I still experience pain, and I still struggle with my response at times. But I’ve learned that it’s not the pain itself that causes suffering - it’s how I meet it. I’ve learned that I can’t always control what happens to me, but I can control how I respond to it.
Pain is inevitable. Suffering, however, is optional. By changing how we respond, we can move through painful moments with more ease and resilience. We don’t have to carry the weight of suffering with us longer than necessary.
